A Trip Through Time with the Grizzled Historian

The Dark Side of the Queue

2011-09-22T08:27:00.001-07:00

Hey everybody,

Aren't you excited? I have another article written and ready for you to read, based around Pink Floyd and the idea that more of their albums sync up with more and more movies:

http://mancavedaily.newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/09/22/dark-side-of-the-queue/

To the undiscovered country...

The Dark Side of the Rainbow

2011-09-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

Once again, hello!

The following is an article I wrote about Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon and that album's association with The Wizard of Oz:

http://mancavedaily.newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/09/21/journey-of-a-rock-music-myth-dark-side-of-the-rainbow/

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death...

Top 5 Reasons Why People Hate Wrestling

2011-09-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

Good morning!

Enjoy the following article I wrote, detailing the reasons why people hate wrestling:

http://mancavedaily.newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/09/14/top-5-reasons-why-people-hate-wrestling/

Cheers!

Coming Out: I'm a Wrestling Fan

2011-09-11T13:40:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone,

The following is an article I wrote about my secret love for professional wrestling. Enjoy:

http://mancavedaily.newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/09/07/coming-out-i-love-wrestling/

Melody Bates-Ward & Family: A Miraculous Story of Survival

2011-05-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

Several days ago, my sister Melody, her husband Chuck and their five young children were all victims of the tornado that touched down in Joplin, Missouri. At the present time, the twister is listed the deadliest in recorded history, leveling miles of town to the ground, including my sister's house which they had just moved into two weeks prior.

Though there were some injuries, it is a complete miracle that every member of the family managed to survive, including the HEALTHY baby girl my sister is currently 5 1/2 months pregnant with, which is truly astounding considering that Melody had her pelvis broken in the collapse. They had no basement and somehow lived through their house completely breaking apart and falling on top of them. Not only did the humans manage to make it out alive, but my niece and nephews' two cats survived the disaster as well! These facts are, quite simply, the greatest gifts that life has ever bestowed upon myself, my family and our friends. Feeling grateful towards God/Life/The Universe doesn't even begin to describe the sensation, especially given that so many other unfortunate individuals did not make it.Two of my nephews almost didn't, both of whom are still in the hospital, though thankfully no longer in critical condition.

Unfortunately, as I stated above, Melody's house, as well as all of her family's possessions (cars, clothes, furniture, electronics, toys, phones, etc.) were completely destroyed and/or lost. Friends of the family have set up the following website in order to support Melody & crew, whether through kind words of encouragement and any/all donations (through FundRazr):

http://www.wardfamilyrelief.com/

Likewise, the following is a link to the Facebook page for this effort:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_173698339353300&notif_t=group_activity

I realize this is a tough time for us all right now, so I'm not asking you to do anything too heavy. If you can help with a donation of any kind, it would be much appreciated, of course. HOWEVER! Just keeping Melody and her family in your thoughts and sending whatever positive vibes/thoughts/prayers you can muster would be more than enough!

Graduation Day

2011-05-02T11:42:00.001-07:00

Almost ten years ago, I started my college education at Long Beach State. Only a few short weeks into my first semester, a day came that couldn't be forgotten by those who bore witness to the horrifying spectacle, as broadcast by our technology and entertainment channels at the time.

Today, though lives have been lost and countless billions of dollars have been spent, I rejoice in the sacrifices and compromises that friends, family and total strangers have made, as we put a period on this chapter in world history and push forward, hopefully persevering onward toward a state of peace and understanding with all creatures of the Earth, and beyond.

And though there are differing opinions to the death of Osama bin Laden and how one should really feel at this moment in time, I now maintain a sense of closure, as if my college education has finally come to an end. Let freedom ring around the world and echo in sounds of peace where there otherwise is none...

The Trip of a Lifetime

2011-03-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

THE STOPS:

Malibu – Leo Carrillo

Ventura – C-Street

Santa Barbara – Hammonds

Lompoc – Jalama or Surf Beach

Pismo – Silver Shoals

Los Osos – Hazards Canyon

Morro Bay – Rock or Strand

Cay-Useless (Cayucos) – Studio

Nor.Co. – "Elephant Seal Beach"

Lunch w/ Grandpa; Drive back.

Venice Breakwater

Huntington – South of Bolsa

Go with God, My Friend. Go with God.

2010-10-24T13:46:00.001-07:00

RIP 6'6" Al Merrick. You and I lived a long life together (January 2, 2002 - October 24, 2010), a partnership that taught me how to conquer fear, to take heart from humility and, beyond all else, the path to becoming a better surfer, day by day. The lessons we discovered the last eight years will live on in every bit of success I ever come across, every day I get to breathe and every wave I ever ride. Vaya con dios, mi amigo...

Favorite Individual TV Shows of All Time

2010-05-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

1) "The Constant" Lost

2) "The Inner Light" Star Trek: The Next Generation

3) "Owen Hart Tribute Show" WWE RAW

4) "Jim Carrey/Soundgarden" Saturday Night Live

5) "Eddie Vedder & Laird Hamilton" Iconoclasts

6) "The Scofflaw" Seinfeld

7) "Homer Badman" The Simpsons

8) "The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention" It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

9) "Ready, Aim, Marry Me" Arrested Development

Tombstoned Out of My Mind

2010-04-12T08:28:00.001-07:00

Even Dwight Schrute Would Be Proud

2010-01-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

On the menu for today: roasted red and yellow beet bites, blood orange slices, bits of mint and a fistful of hazelnut halves. Lunch has certainly been worse than a colorful container full of life like this. C'est la beet, ladies and gents. C'est la beet.

If Morrissey Lived in the 19th Century...

2010-01-15T14:14:00.000-08:00

Decades die, but the man remains. And luck ain't gotta damn thing to do with it; I'm justa feller stuff happens to happen to. Er more 'propriately, a feller to whom stuff happens...

There. Now ain't I proper?

It ne'er fails, m'friend. The mem'ries? They fade. But the time? Well, it jus' keeps on tickin' away. I s'pose that's the hard part 'bout it all, bein' out after bein' caught up in the thick fer such a danged long time. Doors closin' break a man's heart, but lookin' back at that one door, knowin' what was there once upon an almost fergotten time...that's the kinda thing that can and do drive a man insane, so danged mad in the brains that he'd chance peakin' on in through the glass justa make sure things are right. Course, he don't care s'much that things are right fer the life still thrivin' inside; rather, he jus' gotta make sure what 'xists there is okay with his heart, 'gardless how danged 'diculous them words might sound.

Movin' on...not on one side er the other; jus' forward. I always say, "If ya ain't got nothin' to be movin' on to, movin' ain't no possibility." Cause there ain't no way to ferget somethin' wonderful, even if it only reared its pretty head fer a short while. That feelin'...it sticks to yer bones, and becomes who ya are in part, livin' a good life until turnin' inta somethin' else, calloused and hardened--dead inside, but still livin' nonetheless. Whether it's the none er the less, I jus' don't know yet.

Maybe I might ne'er know, but ne'ertheless, life ain't gonna slow down fer any single soul, much less m'self. Like any real good man, I'll keep on searchin' fer that goldmine once again, thankin' the Maker fer every chance with each step I take, till the very day I join back up with the ground beneath m'boots.

The UUUUULTIMATE BUSINESS CARDS!!!!!

2010-01-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

And now, for the shameless self-promotion segment of our show, The Grizzled Historian thought he'd share a slice of his life in the form of freshly created business cards. After kicking off the new year and coming back from a Mexican cruise, the not-so-humble guy-behind-the-guy felt refreshed, rejuvenated and revitalized, along with several other impactful re-words too, so much so that he set up a new domain for this site and met with his brada to start editing the TV pilot they're taking to the moon (Pandora, of course; just don't expect this trip to take six years). Most importantly though, he made new business cards, inspired partly by a former hero of the squared-circle...

Musings from International Waters at 3:17 AM

2010-01-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone's guilty of a drunken rant now and again, and Heaven knows The Grizzled Historian's as guilty as the next guy or gal. Blame it on his cantankerous old iPhone's notepad, blame it on a raucous night where everything's legal, blame it on his family and the Mexican cruise they just took together...blame it on the rain for all he cares! But before you win first prize in the Blame Game, check out his endorsement of heading out onto the high seas as soon as you get the chance:

"I just had the time of my life with the best friends I'd never met before the day before yesterday. Regrets? A few, for sure. But I'm not getting all Frank just yet, cause when it comes down to it, nothing could take away how good I feel about life right now...and the good times I've had too. Carnival Cruise Lines, do not change a thing..."

Clearly, somebody had too much to drink at the Sinatra karaoke buffet, but regardless, The Grizzled Historian still feels like a trillion dollar bill, complete with Truman's slaphappy grin.

It's the Cold That Keeps You Coming Back

2010-01-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

I could stare her in the face a million times a day. And yet, no matter how much I might appreciate the eye contact, she always breaks first and washes me away...

Just Another Journey of the Cow-clad Wanderer

2009-12-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

Reciting lines to the colorblind, a friend reassures the cow-clad wanderer that things are all right, even though nothing ever really feels wrong.

"Yer doin’ fine. Jus’ hang on in there."

The wanderer trots along to an unknown song, grinning up to the grey heavens before peering back down. Steady moments of glance soon burn up into a maddening stare, as impossible colors play games of chance on the horizon.

"Don't be startin' nothin' now. You git along."

They say to keep friends close and foes closer. That said, just don't let your worst enemies in too close to the closest of acquaintances, especially if they're the only ones you’ve got. The bark will burn much worse than the bite, causing the kind of nagging pain no one wants to deal with, whether now or later down the line.

"C'mon! Ain’t no need for that sorta sass!"

Finally, a certain brand of familiarity decorates the whole of the forefront just as the sky begins to cry an endless sea. Though this voyage into the mostly known might be closing, many more will soon come to pass. Cause for the wanderer, the chance is always worth the trouble, discovering and recovering personal treasures cozier than any fire could kindle.

"Let's git on back, guy. I say we had enough."

And yet, though the wanderer adores life on the outside, nothing beats home; the smells, the site, the sounds—the predictability of it all. Sure, there might be times when it seems as though he could never settle. But before he can lend those notions a voice, he’s eaten his piece, drank its truth and drifted off to another adventure.

"Them sure are funny noises you makin' o'er there. You a’right?”

He’s never been better. Because, for some wanderers, the journey has no end...

2012 for Realsies

2009-12-15T14:11:00.000-08:00

Da Vinci...Nostradamus...Emmerich?
- December 29, 2012

Never thought I'd end up bunking with John Cusack on the last ship outta Dodge. Then again, who could’ve predicted the world would end EXACTLY like in 2012?

I mean, it was all so stupid and...well, just stupid really. And yet, that son of a bitch director was spot on; it's like he’d seen the future, watched the world fall apart and then decided to make a blockbuster bag of crap about it, all for the sake of raking in tons of money months before money itself lost all worth. It doesn't make sense, but neither did the guy’s use of logic or historical accuracy. Ever.

God, Cusack smells. Ever met someone without the ability to smell? Well, they usually can't smell that they smell, but they do...really really bad. That's Cusack all the way. I’ve started wondering if his nose actually works or not. Not that it matters; either it doesn’t and he reeks as a result or it does and he just enjoys the flavor of his stink. Either way, I hate him. I'd tell him the truth, but he's been so touchy about everything lately. Bitchy even. "Are those my socks? Stop leaving the door open! Don’t breathe so loud!" Okay, guy. I swear, not having a fictional family around to make the last few years up to really ruins him for me.

“Oh, no, no, NO! Are you using my notebook?! I need that for my next novel!!”

“John! It’s 2012, not 2012, man! This is MY notebook! And you’re not even really a writer!”

See what I mean?! At least you don’t share a room with his feet…

Damn it. I wish Roland Emmerich had never been born. At least then, I wouldn’t be suffering through this mess a second time.

Brain Glue Is Made from a Horse's Ass

2009-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Always easy to listen,
though often hard to hear
common sense and wisdom—
Keys to eliminating the fear:

Of missing out on life,
and theft of precious time,
losing something great
And a slew of other things
that drive me to hate

Waking up on cloudy mornings,
hearing tones absent of warming,
seeking a stare
that can't make contact
or living day-by-day
without a contract.

Life is hardest
when lived by the heart.
Great days goes awry
without even a start.

So stick with your brain,
but don't dwell inside your head,
and never live a single second
like you'd rather be dead...

A Summer Music Festival Guide of EPIC Proportions!

2008-05-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

Greetings once again from the guy who does everything but work at his full-time employment!

I know what you're thinking. "Jeez, Bates! Two posts in two weeks? HAVE YOU GONE MAD?!"

Yes. Yes, I have. And you are the only one with the power to cure me.

Click this link and I'll instantaneously be better:

http://www.craveonline.com/articles/music/04650503/summer_music_festival_preview.html

Don't you understand? You treat the patient, you lose. You treat the Eli, you win.

PS - If anyone from my full-time employment somehow finds this, I'm only kidding. Honestly.

Read my Cannes Film Festival Preview, Won't You?

2008-05-12T23:32:00.000-07:00

Greetings all,

I know it's been like 187 days since I last updated this blog, and I know no one's been here for at least a year before that...but go read my article.

Here's the link:

http://www.craveonline.com/articles/filmtv/04650400/cannes_film_festival_preview.html

Thank ye, kindly!

Has This Blog Run Its Course or Is It Just Fate Intervening???

2007-11-23T16:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know what happens inside of the mind of the man who lives and thinks like he's a writer (whatever that word even means anymore). When he (or possibly she) hits the point of utter mundane, not even the written word can provide salvation from the soul-crippling boredom of a day gone awry.

Today, I've woken up, put down a sugar-free Red Bull, took my dog for a long walk, watched a few episodes of Man Vs. Wild and Hogan Knows Best, played a few games of Literai on Yahoo, took a shower, ate some beef jerky, string cheese and a 100-cal bag of pop corn, applied for a few jobs, watched the second half of Home Alone, took another walk (this time on my lonesome) up to the beach, laid in the sun and pondered life for a while, texted my best friend Jake back and forth a few times, walked home, played some more Literati, bitched at my girlfriend (who is merely trying to study her ass off), laid upstairs and then came down to my computer and sat waiting for something to pop into my head that I might jot down...and this is what came out.

It really looks like a lot, but it's not, at least in a fulfilling, time-and-attention-consuming sort of way. It's been one of those days where you're just waiting for something to happen, even though I have no friggin' clue who, what, where, when, why and/or how that "something" might be. I've been feeling like that for a while, though it's no one's fault but mine. Maybe it's just my body wanting to be put to work doing something useful. Maybe it's just my heart wanting to fill a family-less holiday void with what will inevitably be my future (kids, family, picket fence, dogs, cats, the whole shit-and-shebang). Maybe it's me struggling to be the 25 I just turned. And maybe it's nothing. Who knows?

Fate is a horrible word, one I've had trouble dealing with since I convinced my dad I was going to be someone great almost ten years ago. But it's a word that we're all forced to live with as well. It's probably a much more hypothetical thing than any of us can comprehend. Like the "beginning" and "end" of the universe, our minds just can't conceive of what the idea really means. I guess that makes sense, seeing as how each of our own personal fates is/are what fills up our lives between the beginning and end.

So what am I getting at here? Honestly? I don't even know, people. I don't even know. I'm just a guy who is really, really bored on a day where I should have just gone surfing. I guess I'll just try not to make that same mistake tomorrow.

And thus the scratch marks came away from his life...but for how long??

2007-10-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

The other day, Pat said something to me about writing, I think asking me if I had written much lately. Given that the role of soulless editor in chief consists of mindless busy-writing nonstop (usually for the duration of the 8:30-4:30 day for a freelance slacker such as myself), I usually just selfishly consider that I've written more than anyone else I know, regardless of whether such a fact is true or not. Unfortunately, when I actually sat down and thought about what Pat had asked, I realized that I hadn't really written anything, or at least gotten something into print, more than once in the past few months. I must admit, it was kind of depressing.

But then, I continued to think about it far too long, to the extent that I could possibly considered either A) crazy, B) delusional C) gay or D) so fucking on the ball that I was more right than I had ever been in the history of the world, regardless of whether such a thought made sense or not! Obviously, I was D), so I really decided to crack down and figure it all out. What was it? What was causing me to have such a lack of writing in life? Looking back on the past few months, I had been in charge of two publications (now only one), I had interviewed dozens of famous (Ben Affleck) and honorable (Francis Ford Coppola) and hilarious people (one of the producers of Dragon Wars aka D-Wars) and, in all honesty, I had finally started surfing again which was always one of my key inspirations. So what was it? What was causing a drout in my creative and a barren cupboard of articles?

Life, my friends. Life was causing that drout and I don't at all intend that to come off in a negative fashion. Sometimes, a writer has a plethora of things to write because he/she has a plethora of life stories to back their words. And sometimes, a writer hits a wall where they've written everything they can and can't possibly pump anything else out creative without a recharge. That's where I've been, smack-dab against the wall, with my mind and my heart plugged right into the wall-charger. And charge I have! Through my recent (mostly personal and slightly spiritual) exploration of relationships and religion, of injury and recovery, of work frustration and self-terminations and other various heavy topics in that realm, I was regaining a database of new experiences to base my next string of stories on (or "on which to base my stories").

It never ceases to amaze me how much life is constantly changing, how much my brain seems as though it's constantly evolving and how hard it all is to comprehend. Luckily, I have the love of a good...nay, great woman, the wag of an awesome dog (or his tail at least) and the will to write all down all these observations in ways that may not immediately be apparent. Also, Blogspot finally fixed my account and allowed me to run the backend (i.e. any part of the blog that is not readable by the reader) in a language that was closer to English than Mandarin (I blame the language change and subsequent inability to read any particular part of any page on Google, including the part that says "Language Preference").

Anyways, I hope you will all start visiting the blog again, regardless of my two month absence. I feel invigorated by the last few months and have a lot to tell anyone who has the time to read.

I've had at least five long conversations in the past 24 hours and not one of them was with a person I actually wanted to talk to.

2007-08-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've re-written the same interview questions at least a dozen times over the past few days. Working with magazines that are all about celebrity news and such forces me to talk to some of the hottest up-and-comers and also some of the dullest bastards ever to think they had a chance of being great, especially when you're facing the front of a long interrogatory line of mostly unknown TV actors. Even as I sit here and try to think of something original, there are really only so many combinations of questions that can be asked...

"Of all the jobs you've done thus far, is there anything that related to your work on Heroes?"

"I heard you had a couple of movies coming up too?"

"Is working on a show like Criminal Minds a dream come true?"

"Has television always been an enjoyable thing for you to do?"

"Earl Season 3 is hitting the airwaves in about a month. What can we expect from you for the next year?"

"Is there a piece of work you've produced that you feel was drastically under-appreciated?"

"Is it harder to be a Mormon in Hollywood than it is to be a Mormon in Utah?"

"Do you miss those long days at Brandy & Mr. Whiskers?"

"What else are you working on right now?"

...the sad thing is that this is all you need to do a decent interview: a prod of sorts to shock an awkward talk into a living breathing thing. In the world of the forced conversation, the smallest, simplest statements always begin the biggest conversations. One might argue that I'm being lazy or cynical or unoriginal in this approach, but I've written some pretty amazing questions for some supposedly amazing people and have absolutely nothing come of it. Time and time again, I get a whopper set for someone special, a real doozie ready to wallop some celeb right in the mind, only to get a measly "I don't really know, I couldn't say" in return. It's depressing. It's disenchanting. It's disturbing. But mostly, it's just lame.

When it comes to any interview that isn't with someone you already love and understand, stick with the basics until you're buddies, support the person's project and have some laughs. Then, when they're not paying attention, slip that slimy question about the Latter Day Saints in there, the personal secret of sorts (the type that's listed ten times over at any person, place or thing's Wikipedia page). They'll have to talk for ten minutes just to clear up their awkward silence. Just stay quiet until you can't stand it, as many times as you can. It's hilarium, my friends. But also a damn fine read.

Right???

My Slightly Edited, Rough Draft Interview With Rainn Wilson, Featuring 4,000 Unnecessary Words Cut For Your Consideration!

2007-08-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hello to one! Hello to all! Last week, I had the distinguished honor of interviewing one of my favorite actors alive today, Rainn Wilson, aka Dwight Schrute from The Office. It was a great little interview, one of my all time favorites thus far in my infant career as a "writer." I'm proud of what I was able to accomplish with this in the short time I had Rainn at my disposal. Of course there are other questions I wish I had asked now, but at the time, I think I squeezed about as much juice from this beet as I could.

There's no intro text or headline yet. "Blame It On The Rainn" is the current frontrunner, but we'll see where it all stands when this goes to print tomorrow night.

Enjoy!

Rainn, I have to tell you, it’s a huge pleasure to speak with you. What are you up to right now, both workwise and literally?
Literally, I’m up to relaxing at my house after the most heroing film experience of my entire life. I just wrapped on a film called “The Rocker” for Fox Atomic, a comedy. It’s about a former heavy metal drummer who gets a second shot at fame in his high school nephew’s rock band.

It must be a nice change of pace from your usual routine.
It was absolutely hard as hell. We ended up in night shoots. It was just grueling hours. I had a couple of 17 hour days, which was as long as I’d ever worked. My last night was 9:30 PM to 2:30 PM. But it was an absolute blast. Most importantly, I got to learn how to play the drums.

Is that the first instrument you learned to play?
No, I grew up playing a lot of music. I was a music band geek in high school. I played bassoon and saxophone and clarinet and lots of ridiculous instruments that no one listens to. I’ve been playing the guitar for the last ten to twenty years…pretty average guitar. And then I’ve gotten the chance to play recorder a couple of times as Dwight and that was pretty fun. But this was my first go at the drums.

You’ve playing music for a while. That said, what kind of music do you listen to?
I’m a huge alternative rock fan. You know how your iTunes library shows how long it would take to play all your songs? Mind is like 17 days. It’s pretty crazy.

And that’s all alternative rock?
Pretty much. Well, there’s some jazz and funk, some gospel and a lot of country western. But mostly, it’s alternative rock.

You’ve been the saving grace of a few high-profile box office duds, specifically My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Sahara. Do you look back fondly on those experiences?
I had a great time, an absolutely amazing time. Sahara was one of my great life experiences. I was flown into the middle of the Sahara Desert to do these amazing scenes with Steve Zahn and Matthew McConnaughey in Morocco. We had a great director on that in Breck Eisner. He’s a great guy.I had a week off at one point, so I just took my driver and went on an adventure through the Atlas Mountains. I went to Casablanca and all kinds of crazy places. And if it wasn’t already good enough, I flew my wife in and went over to Spain and shot in Barcelona for a couple of weeks.
And I had a blast on Super-Ex-Girlfriend. It was just one of those things where the script was hysterical and the part was really funny, but the movie didn’t work. I love Luke Wilson’s work and Uma Thurman and I love Ivan Reitman. Eddie Izzard and Anna Farris, they were terrific. But for some reason, tone-wise, it didn’t quite add up and audiences didn’t dig it, although I still think it’s a really funny movie.

It’s a shame it didn’t all pan out. I was hoping that “Knuckles” would have become a more commonly used thing (editor’s note: if you were looking for a reason to see My Super Ex-Girlfriend and "Knuckles," I just gave it to you).
Luke actually gave me that. He was really good at giving me funny lines. He’d go, “Hey! Say this! Try this line!” which leads me to believe that he might have a good career as a director in front of him.

Box office duds aside, have you had a favorite experience in the movie industry?
I did this indie film called “Badasssss.” Mario Van Peebles wrote and produced and directed a history of his father Melvin Van Peebles in the making of a sort of seminal kind of blacksploitation film called “Sweet Sweet Bad Ass Song.” It was such a great experience, just seat of the pants filmmaking with tons of locations, 70 speaking parts and only 17 days and a million dollars to do it. We’d get one or two takes, three if we were lucky. It was under-the-gun filmmaking and it’s just a terrific movie. It did great in Toronto and at Sundance and got amazing reviews and, of course, no one saw it. It really is a film I felt so much a part of and I’m really proud of it. It just makes the world a better place.

The Emmy’s are coming up and The Office has been nominated for a few, including a Best Supporting Actor nod for the role of Dwight Schrute. How exciting is that?
It’s fantastic! We went from being a show that was almost cancelled four or five times to being one of the quote-unquote hit shows. Even though our audience is small, we're well loved and we're going to be on the air for a while. It's definitely exciting.

Was it a dream of yours to win an Emmy?
People ask the same question about hosting Saturday Night Live. “Oh, was that just a dream come true???” That was never even on my radar! I just wanted to work as an actor and get paid and not have to wait tables. I had a moving company while I was living in New York and I really didn’t want to move people’s futons anymore. The fact that everything panned out to an SNL appearance and an Emmy Nomination and making a good paycheck is beyond my wildest dreams. It really, truly is.

Can you realistically see The Office not winning all the awards it’s nominated for?
Well, it’s not up to me. The Golden Globe and Hollywood Foreign Press thought that Ugly Betty was a more worthy show, so you never know what people are going to find funny.

Is there anyone from the cast who deserves their own Emmy, but won’t get one?
That’s a touch one. I think that the real glue of the show is John Krazinski. Unfortunately, he would be in my same category, but if I were the person doling out Emmy’s, he’d get one for sure.

Considering how many show nowadays are based off of their stars rather than their star, is it frustrating that an "oustanding ensemble" Emmy still doesn't exist?
I wish the Emmy's were more like the SAG Awards and gave out a "Best Ensemble" Emmy. I feel pretty confident that The Office would win that year after year. We have this great, amazing comic actor in Steve Carrell in the lead, but the ensemble is just fantastic. I grew up watching my favorite shows, the Bob Newhart Show and M.A.S.H. and Taxi. They were the same way in that they were really ensemble shows. They had a really good star in the lead, but you watched the show because you loved that crazy cast of characters. And now, I’m a part of that tradition and I love it.

With the third season about to be released on DVD and season four starting in only a month’s time, are you ready to step back into the shoes of Scranton’s favorite son?
I’m ready to show back up to work and take Dwight to new levels of absurdity. And I’m really excited because I really trust the writing. They (the writers) always give me new fun stuff to play. Maybe not everytime, but every two or three episodes, I get some new twist or romance or passion or heartbreak to play. And that’s what I love about the show. I’m never worried I’m going to read a script and not see something interesting for me. They’re always throwing me really fun curve balls.

Can we expect anything special from you on the season 3 DVD?
I think I made DVD history. I actually took my shirt off and did the first topless DVD commentary. I don’t know if they do that in porn movies, but they should start. They’d be like, “Yeah, he was giving it to me in the ass pretty good right here. He was having a hard time getting it up, but boy did he deliver!”

Maybe you could show up in a few surprise porno commentaries.
My services are available. I would love to do more commentary for work I’m not in. If there are any other shows out there that need some kick-ass commentary, I’m there.

When it comes to Dwight Schrute, what do you want to see happen next?
Wow, I have no idea what they have for me. But I would love to see a love triangle. I’d like to see Dwight wrestle an animal. Maybe he could try drugs for the first time or uncover an Al Qeada sect. A Schrute family reunion episode would be great too.

You write blogs in the guise of Dwight, you read his lines and improv his essence. Since he consumes so much of you, do you ever feel as though you are in fact Dwight Schrute?
Fortunately, I can report that I am very safely ensconsed as Rainn Wilson. Dwight never really takes over. I leave Dwight at The Office when I come home.

Given the exposure he’s given you, do you owe Dwight your success?
I owe Dwight a great deal. I owe him the new house I bought. So, if Dwight ever wants to collect, he’s welcome to stop by.

I heard a story about how John Krazinski was sitting next to (show creator) Greg Daniels during the original auditions, and muttered, “I hope they don’t screw this up.” With all the “it’s going to fail in America” mojo floating around a few years back, I was curious how you felt at the start of your Office experience.
I was maybe the sole American who was a fan of the English show who also thought that ours had a really good shot. I guess I’m not a TV snob. If they’re going to remake an Ingmar Bergman film into a Ted Danson comedy or something like that, I’ll be plenty skeptical. But the template of the English Office, of which they only made 13 episodes, is fantastic. This fake documentary of an average office with plain looking people, the interworkings, the politics and psychology of office life…it’s brilliant. And as soon as I met Greg Daniels and saw what a visionary guy he was, I knew we were in good hands.

Is the presence of the camera as a character ever going to be addressed?
I think around season 5 or 6, they’re going to have to do something different with the documentary. Maybe they could have the documentary get shut down or certain people just won’t talk to the camera anymore or they finally see footage or something. They’re going to have to deal with it, not this year or even the next, but soon enough, we’ll have to start dealing with that aspect.

Maybe Michael Moore could show up.
Perfect. He could be a soda delivery guy.

The Office seems to connect directly with the viewer, looking them each in the eyes often several times throughout each show. Do you think the show would be as successful if it didn’t so actively break down the fourth wall?
That's a huge part of it, everyone’s relationship to the camera, especially Michael Scott. It’s kind of the conscience of the show and a huge part of the success and what makes the show interesting.

The characters seem to look at the camera usually at times where something politically incorrect or offbeat is happening. Do you think it’s essential to break the fourth wall at those moments so that the show doesn’t come off the wrong way?
That’s certainly one way to look at it. Because it’s a "documentary" mostly about a bunch of white, middle class folks, in an average town, we get to deal with a lot of issues of race and prejudice and stuff like that, kind of in the way that All In The Family did. I think that the workplace is the perfect location to deal with that stuff.

If you met Michael Scott in real life, what would you do?
I would give him a big huge and I would say, “Just breathe, buddy.”

On an entirely different note, from everything I’ve read, you seem like a happily married man, Rainn. Do you find that being married makes living life in LA easier?
LA is so different than New York. A lot of my single friends who, when they come to LA, they go stir crazy. They go out of their minds and go running back to New York. LA is all about having a nice house and a nice car. Its about having a family. Going out to the bars and clubs, it’s completely alien to me. I think it’s easier in a land where everyone is so isolated, to have your family there to ground you.

Is there anything else in your life that you have to ground yourself with?
Well, I have my religious faith, which is very important to me. I’m a member of the Ba’Hai faith and I’m very active in that. The Ba’Hai faith really teaches us that our greatest goal as humans is to be of service in the world and I think providing quality entertainment and making people laugh is a great service to give people and I hope to be doing it for a long time.

What's life like on the Talk Show Circuit. Is there any one show you prefer over the other?
They all have their strengths. The Conan show is the funniest show. I kind of try to save my funniest bits and stories for Conan, because it really is more of a comedy show than a talk show. I appreciate it for that. And Leno…Jay Leno is the sweetest, nicest guy you’d ever want to meet in your entire life. My first time there, I brought my wife and kid and he was crawling around on the floor with any two-year-old son Wlater, making animal noises. I think that warmth that he has as a person shows on his show and that’s why audiences love him so much. The other show I really enjoy doing is Craig Ferguson. He asks for ten things you’d be interested in talking about and then narrows it down to four or five just before the show. You have no planned stories. You have no set-ups. You’ll never get a “So, I hear a funny thing happened to you at the Tokyo Airport!” Complete improvisation in front of the cameras. You have no idea what he’s going to ask you about, so you just gotta totally be on your toes.

You were sporting a pretty gnarly Jim Morrison beard the last time I saw you. Is that thing still alive?
It’s dead, thank God! I tore it off my face and shot it with a shotgun!

It doesn’t sound like a very positive beard experience.
It was fun for a while and then I got tired of it. I really just needed it off of my face. I was growing it for “The Rocker” because I thought that they might want to have parts of it for a big biker moustache or some kind of facial hair. So I just said “What the hell,” and let it all grow so we could shave it accordingly. But they specifically said “No Moustache. You look like a child molester.” I guess they had seen pictures of me.

All right, my last question is entirely Dwight-based…if a bear asked you to dinner AND offered to pay, would you dress business professional or business casual?
I would definitely dress business professional to earn his respect and underneath would be complete camouflage. It would be a tear-away suit and camou undernearth in case I needd to make a run for it. DO NOT run up trees and do not run uphill because bears will catch you! Run downhill whatever you do! Why? Bears can’t run downhill very well.

It’s too bad you got rid of the beard. You wouldn’t have to run.
I'd be one of them. Incorporated into the clan.

Another excuse, but warranted, I promise.

2007-08-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

So another week has passed and I've yet to really write another original update for this place. It's been a trying last week and a half, what with my computer having to go into the shop and me being in design flux. Time really has been short, save for those me-moments at 2 AM, watching Top Chef while my lady Lauren sleeps on the couch. Next week, I'll try to update everyday, as I won't be in the midst of putting a magazine together...no, no, i've got a one-week break from that, a break I intend to give almost entirely to that miserable old cook we all call the Grizzled Historian.

In the time being, enjoy a Myspace post I wrote yesterday. I was just thinking about former friends and family who have been overseas, along with other more unfortunate individuals who are unfairly being mauled in Iraq for the purpose of whatever is going on in George Bush Jr.'s messed-up mind.

They say that the mind of a child is a wonderful thing, but our president certainly proves them wrong. Enjoy!
People take the world too serious. Seriously.

Why are we (we being the human race) at war over so much insignificance? We're all just specs on a ball floating through outer space, with no real purpose that matters outside of our own little worlds in our own little areas in our own little brains. Yet we quarrel over oil and money and specifications of our particular interpretations of God as if those three things were the only things to ever mean a damn on this planet!

Let's bring the troops home. It's beyond time to let the Iraqi people figure it out on their own and get our boys and girls home, or at least to a more appropriate danger.

Then again, this is just one man's opinion. Criticize if you like, call me a hippy or a fag or a liberal or whatever you feel like calling me. I just don't care anymore. At least your words, your thoughts and your political sidings won't kill me the same way that the wayward bullets of insurgents have killed thousands upon thousands of American boys and girls (not to mention everyone there from other countries).

Whoever you are, whatever you do for a living and whichever side of the political spectrum you stand, I hope you agree that enough life has been wasted.

A fight over oil? A substance that makes our cars move? Please, there is other stuff that gets a vehicle going. There's no reason to wager human life for a substance that, once used and burned, will eventually wipe out all life on the planet. It's not an idea or theory. It's a fact. And the fact that we are wasting blood and souls over something that really does nothing but kill is a travesty.

A fight over money? Didn't any of our politicians have parents who went through bitter divorces? Don't they understand that a fight over money has no winner, only embittered losers, possibly with a little extra cash in their pocket/bank account? I guess not, but that's what happens when you have money-hungry, spoiled rich frat boys running the government rather than people with the proper perspective.

A fight over God? A holy war? I doubt that's what Jesus or any other religious figure would really want. But again, that's what happens when you have a bunch of frat boys who went to Sunday school and youth group running the country. You have a bunch of grown men fighting over the facts of a book or books that should really be left to personal analysis and spiritual interpretation. The last time I checked, Jesus' Sermon on the Mount didn't include "Blessed are the warmakers and warbringers, for they shall inherit the kingdom of Heaven." Maybe these people who are causing such a fight in/with the Middle East should actually crack open the basis of their "faith" every now and then and actually take a look at what they're standing for. I just feel like they're contradicting themselves on a lot of different ends.

Again, just one man's opinion. Feel free to disagree, but I hope at least you'll think about it all. And let's get those troops out of Iraq.

Seriously,

Elijah Lowell Bates

PS - I truly love being an American and I'm proud to be a part of this country. However, just because I'm proud doesn't mean I'm blind and it doesn't mean that I have the right to be ignorant about matters that are strictly common sense. Being an American means that I can say and do what I please, a right we can't find in most other countries through out the world. I respect the idea behind trying to help Iraq, but the jig has gone awry and it's time to make things right. Seriously.

New Posts Coming (Along with a Slew of Excuses)

2007-07-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hey! Hey!

So, I'm the unfortunate victim of a computer crash, courtesy of my Macbook. Mind you, it's not due to the Macbook's quality. No, no, the computer's great and I do not regret going with the Macbook at all (though I wish I hadn't ponied so much extra spending cash on the expensive black casing that really does nothing but showcase how little I care about my computer's hygeine, evident by the massive amount of chicken grease, crums, melted candy and pubic hair residing all over the keyboard and screen). What I DO regret is wasting so much of my computer's lifespan while working like a 21st Century slave at Saturday Night Magazine. If I had known Michael Ritter was going to be such a faggot (and I mean that in the non-gay way, even though he is in fact an un-self-discovered homosexual), I would have never ruined my Macbook putting together spreads of "hot clubs" and "killer shades" and all the other types of content ruining American attention spans. Because it was so over-worked so early in life, my Macbook lives and dies in a manner similar to dog years. I really don't expect my kids to grow up it, as it aged somewhere between 50 and 75 years for the first year it was alive on this planet. It's sad, so I just try not to think about it.

Needless to say, not having my Macbook is completely crippling to my ability to work. It's amazing how much I need a computer to do my job. For God's sake, if the Internet isn't working, I'm literally just a confused-looking guy with a pad and a pen and not a clue of what to do, at least in the field of chipping away at the magazine workload. In the old days of the Union, my accomplishments and work load were always evident first and foremost on a pad of paper. But those were the good old days and those days have long since passed...

I do have other computers, but going back to an old computer is just so...lame. It sucks. It's like going back home after your first year of college and realizing that your entire family was still using Dial-Up to connect to the Internet. It's like losing your new Trio that you got for graduation and then having to go back to that piece of shit cell that you were complaining about for months prior. It's like walking the semester before you're done with college (just kidding). It's just sucky really.

Between a clam-shaped iBook with 8 gigs and an obtrusive desktop covered in surf stickers from the Central Coast circa 2001, I can't wait to get my computer back. I actually had been writing a good...nay, great post when I had to shut down. It didn't turn back on, but as soon as it does, there'll be a wonderfully unique post set for your eyes to consume.

Just a Shithead Under the Eye of the Universe

2007-07-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Why do we choose to let ourselves turn detestable? To the ones we love, to the ones who care and share and provide all the things we truly require to happily survive during our stay on this hunk of space junk way on up in the sky? We allow ourselves to turn into people we aren't, horribly picky, upset by the most menial and insignificant of things and, worse yet, we allow it to turn and upset the people in life who mean the most.

Why do we choose to this? Why do we get so wrapped up in an uncandidly off-moment of personality disarray, when we know that it will do nothing less than ruin or irreparably damage the day at hand? When debate or disagreement arises, why do be succumb to pathetically immature squabble, as if any success will be found through enacting the personalities of seven-year-olds stuck side-by-side in the back seat of a cross-country Aerostar adventure?

Why? Why do we allow ourselves to turn disgusting?

Because. Because we are all, in fact, fucking crazy and I don't mean that in the clichéd, blow off sort of the sense. Life is fucking insane. Here we are, just tiny specks floating around on a massive ball of magma, ocean, land and ice, when in reality, our entire planet is just floating in a massive amount of mostly blank space, a true speck in comparison to the galaxy (which in itself is the truer speck in the grand scale of the universe).

Of course, we don't need to go into outer space for a good look at the insanity of existence. Our own bodies are galaxies of their own, talking and walking on through the Earth Universe, each with millions and billions of life forms of their own. The hear, the lungs, the liver, the blood flow, all following life as set by the order of the Almighty Brain.

The brain, just a misshapen ball of synapse-firing organ, causes everything in the body to do everything, from thinking to drinking to breathing to seething to heaving, to puking and pooping and peeing and seeing and being. It is constantly moving to keep us conscious and growing. Even when we sleep, the brain is hard at work keeping us alive and thriving, providing a little in-flight entertainment at the same time, creating scenes and tales that each one of us could never imagine spinning ourselves. It's work ethic is absolutely unfathomable, so harsh and so unrealistic that it would drive even the most astute worker bee right into the hive's bone yard.

Then again, as insanely complex as our brains and flesh-covered galaxies might be, they're all just singular simplistic parts of the Earth Universe experience, interacting day by day in the company of gravity and levity and philosophy and religion and physics and food and God and evolution and children and tragedy and sound and sight and Internet and society and music and movies and water and light and dogs and cats and mice and men and...look, this list can go on forever (and it does), on to infinity and beyond a googleplex. The point being is that there are a million annals and walks in life, but the only one thing that has to process it all is the brain. Poor brain. I suppose it makes sense that things come and go from the brain at a rapid pace, including those bitter bits that somehow always manage to fly right out of the cage and into the face of the person who deserves it least. But even though it makes sense doesn't make it right.

So, to go back to the original question, why do we choose to let ourselves turn detestable? There's really only one good reason that's because life is fucking nuts and there's not a one of us who can stand or understand it.

We're all just shitheads under the Eye of the Universe. Especially me.

Superbad = Supergood

2007-07-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Do you enjoy movies? Do you enjoy movies produced by Judd Apatow? If so, then Superbad will be your movie of the summer, if not the year, as it's easily the funniest thing I've seen in a theater since...well, ever. I won't say anything yet to spoil the film, considering the six people who read this blog would probably be pissed if I ruined the surprise. But the following are things to keep your eyes out for:

Fogell aka McLovin - Forget Shia Lebeouf in Transformers. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is the new hero of summer 2007. The first time you see him, you're probably going to wince at how pathetic he is, similar in sight to the sound of a pre-pubescent voice-crack interrupted by a raging hiccup/snot sniffled combo. But mark my words, ninety minutes later, you'll feel like a fool for doubting the draw of an empowered, 110-pound pock mark. Not bad for a first film, Christopher. Supernotbad.

Michael Cera (formerly "George-Michael Bluth") - He was impressive on Arrested Development and he doesn't fail to disappoint here. Actually, he's given a little more chance to branch out, though you can still see him piggy-backing off Jason Bateman's lessons (not a bad thing at all). It's great to see Cera cavorting around with just a little bit more confidence, in a much more mature environment to boot. Bred by television greatness, this kid had no chance but to be great. His Evan will convince you, if you think any different.

Bill Hader - I've got a soft-spot for anyone helping bring SNL back from the brink of comedic extinction, so in my opinion, Bill Hader is a friggin' saint. Working alongside the now-world-renown Seth Rogen, Hader continues to prove why he's one of the best things going for 11:30 p.m. since the much missed UPN Channel-13 Seinfeld of the same weekday syndicated timeslot (circa 2002-200?).

The Story, from Start to Completion - If you liked either 40-Year-Old Virgin or Knocked Up, you'll appreciated Superbad too. It has the same charms, a lot more laughs (not that the other two weren't funny as all get out) and still enough sentimentality and sweetness to make you feel a tearful smile or two for all the right reasons. It's not necessarily as heartwarming as Knocked Up, but the extra laughs more than make up for that.

Side Characters - An area where Apatown (credit to M. Burnham on that one) excels, no matter the plot or story. As it was in Knocked Up, fans of Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared will see a lot of familiar faces. However, I will say that all side characters pale in comparison to the guy who takes Jonah and Michael to the party. You'll know who I'm talking about when you see it.

There weren't really any downs about the movie, unless you're offended by adolescent cursing, adolescent substance abuse and underage sexual altercations. Jonah Hill was what you'd expect him to be, which is pretty good. Also, as mentioned above, Seth Rogen continued his shining form from, you guessed it, Knocked Up.

The only other thing I wanted to say is that this is a movie set in modern times. Most of the promotional materials, for one reason or another, didn't lead me to understand that it was going to be a 2007-story and not 1977 or '87 as I had presumed. I don't want to be a spoiler, but Jonah Hill is wearing some of Michael Cera's dad's clothing from the good ol' days. Anyways.

No matter what, at any cost, go see Superbad the day it comes out. It's laughs-ahoy, another Apatow-delight.

PS - The movie was directed by a go-getting young lad named Greg Mottola. Keep your eyes out for more from this ex-Arrested Development director.

Hey (Hey)! You (You)! I Don't Like Your Stealin'!! Hey (Hey)! You (You)! I Think You Should Be Punished!

2007-07-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

Avril Lavigne is a lying, thieving, stealing, cheating, baseless, talentless ugly whore. She is not musically inclined, she is not hot, she is not cool and she has nothing lyrically or rhythmically stimulating to contribute to the world.

If you didn't know, she has already been busted for stealing from two artists on her latest album The Best Damn Thing, or as I like to call it, The Best Damn Thing: A Rendition of Not-So-Classic Songs with Extremely Slight Modifications Made by a Talentless Canadian Cunt. At the rate thievery that Avril is currently pushing along at, I won't be surprised at all when another stolen song scandal (or two) pops up on TMZ.com.

Here is proof that two songs from The Best Damn Thing thus far have been lifted from other artists with A) Originality and B) Talent:

"Girlfriend" - http://www.tmz.com/2007/07/06/avril-ripped-for-allegedly-ripping-off-girlfriend/

"I Don't Have to Try" - http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2007/07/10/did-avril-lavigne-bite-a-peaches-track-too/

Please check these out and see for yourself.
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Are still a fan of Avril Lavigne? Were you ever? Yeah?! Then FUCK YOU!!! If you think that's a tad too harsh or disagree with the sentiment, please stop visiting the Grizzled Historian because you clearly don't have the ability to understand logic, common sense and all that's decent in the world.

I'm not joking, reader. Sacks of shit like Avril don't deserve your dollars, they don't deserve to perform on Saturday Night Live (a stage that has been graced by the biggest and best names in music), and she doesn't deserve to go about the rest of her days with anything less than the tainted label of "unoriginal music thief/bitch." People like her are the reason for why most music we ever get exposed to (in a mainstream manner) is so bad these days.

Seriously, if you disagree, you can consider us as good as enemies. I don't want to be associated with you anymore unless it's in a fight to the death. It won't matter if I win or lose, as you'll be destined to hell anyways for sticking up for a talentless hack who obviously made a deal with the Mexican Devil (the reason why her wish was constructed so shoddy).

Again, I'm not joking.

Band Together and Outlaw Phone Books!

2007-07-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

Coming home from a delightful breakfast at Venice Beach's own Firehouse Restaurant, my lady Lauren and I were in the midst of wrapping up conversations when I saw a curious sight sitting stacked three-high outside my front gate.

But first, let me backtrack. If you're ever in Venice and in the mood for a quality meal made with quality (i.e. real) ingredients, promptly served with a smile and a visible work ethic, head to the Firehouse. Not only can you find tasty, healthy food (breakfast served all day), but you'll find a whole hell of a lot of respect for our planet's well-being too. Offering only biodegradable products (straws, plates, take-home boxes, bags, etc.), the Firehouse is first and foremost doing what they can to provide a meal without providing a mess, in both the physical and metaphorical sense. Not only that, but since everything is biodegradable, the Firehouse composts all of their waste, giving back to the planet what we took.

But back to the story at hand. Lauren and I had walked up to our gate, only to see a limp plastic bag holding three massive books...phone books.

As I saw this mere moments after our first meal at the Firehouse, it was a bit unnerving to see. We are living in a time where man has achieved more in the field of technology than ever before. We have computers that can give us phone numbers in the blink of an eye, for any business or establishment. Unfortunately, we're also living in a time where our world is literally falling apart right before our eyes, all do to our own mass consumption of Earth's natural resources.

Mind you, I said three phone books, meaning that no one, not even the mass of tourists who flock to Venice in the summer, bothered to pick one up (obvious by the fact that three phone books is as much as a limp plastic bag can hold). This is due to the fact that a phone book in this day and age is an unnecessary burden, a waste of time and a waste of tress (our best weapon against global warming).

In this day and age, there is no excuse for such a waste. There is no reason for three phone books to be uselessly sitting outside my gate (I refuse to pick one up and bring one inside). There is no excuse for some dumb, technologically ignorant mother fucker to keep utilizing junk mail, snail mail, phone books or anything else that is a waste of our trees.

When I was in line for the final episode of The Price Is Right, one of the pages for the show (the people who entertain you while you sit in line for six hours) brought up Myspace. Suddenly, from across the aisle, I heard an accent drawl out "Myspace?! What's Myspace?" After someone tried to inform this person, she hickishly belted out this dumb hick cliche, "You mean Internet? We don't even have a computer!" I couldn't believe my ears, but at the same time, I could. These people from mid-America had probably spent at least a thousand dollars to go wait in line for the Price Is Right, yet they didn't have a computer? The most convenient tool of the modern age?! I'm not saying that this person is causing more global warming-contributing pollution than the next person, but I sincerely doubt it's a concern to this type of person. Also, I can guaran-damn-tee you that this hillbilly-gas-guzzler looks in the phone book every single time she needs anything in her rinky-dick, de-evolving town.

For God's sake! Land lines (i.e. home phones) only have about half of the saturation they used to, as cellular and mobile technologies have made the idea of a hand-cuffed home phone obsolete. My generation can hardly even imagine having a home phone in this day and age as it's just antiquated and almost inconvenient. Businesses, restaurants and the like are entirely different, as they have their slaves chained to desks with phones. But like I said, you can find the information for any one of those places online in a one-second Google search, rather than a one-minute finger scrolling search through a tiny-text labyrinth.

I guess my whole point here is that we don't need phone books and we don't need to be killing our planet to make life easier for people who refuse to evolve into a smart, less selfish, more earth conscientious individuals. People who refuse to join the rest of the more intelligent half of civilization are hicks, plain and simple. I'm not saying they're from the South or Middle-America or even China. I'm merely saying that each one is a sack of shit and should have some sense slapped across their face repeatedly so that my kids and my grandkids and the legacy of my family doesn't end with a world that itself doesn't deserve to be over.

PS - Anyone over the age of 65 is excused from this rant, as technology probably just scares the shit out of them. Besides, most of them can't even lift phone books anymore, much less see the small print.

Tidbits from a Boy Turned Editor

2007-07-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I've let four days pass since my last entry. I actually wrote a long one on Chris Benoit (the suicidal murderous professional wrestler), but I didn't publish it, as I'd rather wait until the toxicology reports come out.

So, my apologies, and here is my next entry, just some random thoughts I was feeling on my way to work today:

"In My Life" - Much like Pink Floyd a little over a year ago, The Beatles have finally been able to break ointo my regular routine, completing a once hesitant, uncertain and unstable Top 5 All-Time, a high accolade shared only by Pink Floyd, The Doors, Neil Young and, you guessed it, Journey. A few days ago, I was walking my eight-year-old Jack Rat (half Jack Russell, half rat terrier) when "In My Life" randomly shuffled up on my iPod. Needless to say, the rest of the walk was a little emotional for me, pressing REPEAT repeatedly again and again until B-Dog and I finally walked through our front gate. To be totally truthful, it's just nice to know (even soothing) that there are other people feeling the same dull, unending heartache. Knowing that there are songs like "In My Life" out there is purely security, the knowledge that there is always a much needed hug and a shoulder available to cry your eyes out on. When something speaks to you so purely, so perfectly and touches that spot that's been hurting (and likely will always hurt) in just the way it needed to be touched...that's what a good song is all about. God Bless You, Beatles.

There are places I remember, Santa Ynez, Solvang, Buelton, Santa Maria, Atascadero, Marianna (FL), Atascadero 2, Long Beach, Long Beach Union, I really miss you all (anyone and everyone) and I promise that I'll never forget you or what you meant in my life.

Frank Oz - Last night, I somehow managed to hook up an interview with Frank Oz, acclaimed filmr director (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Dark Crystal, Little Shop of Horrors) and kind-of-co-creator of The Muppets, alongside the one and only James Henson. As the interview is booked for the newly re-branded Entertainment Today, the piece will likely only be a one-page profile somwhere in the midst of all the other features inside. Really, when it all boils down, this interview isn't a very big deal...to everyone but me. Having had the opportunity to do interviews of this variety before, I can say without any doubt that it's one of the coolest opportunities in the world, to meet a person who's very presence had such a powerful impact on my early life. To have the opportunity to thank a man like Frank 20 years after the fact and tell him that his influence in my childhood and adolescence helped to propel me to a level I never thought possible is...well, it's fucking awesome. He was Yoda afterall.

Posting Blogs "On the Clock" - I won't go into great detail on this, but it's pretty sweet. At least I did the majority of my writing on the bus ride here, right?

Smoothies (Preferrably 'Beks) - When the time draws near and one is finally required to bunker down and get to work, there's no more effective meal than a quality smoothie (fruit smoothie, anything powder-based is a fucking farce). After all, a smoothie is delicious, refreshing and light enough to let you work, with none of the post-Western Bacon Cheeseburger sort of exhaustion and disgust that one gets from fast food. No matter where you go for a refreshing rendevous with nutrition and delight, you won't regret it, as you won't hate yourself when you get to the bottom of the cup (quite unlike when you get to the bottom of a hamburger wrapper). The only thing that can compare to a quality smoothie is a quality sandwich (though not a sub).

Those are all my thoughts for now. Sorry for the half-assed post. And if you decide to buy a smoothie, go to 'Beks and get a South Pacific Squeeze w/ raspberry lemonade instead of orange juice.

PS: Do yourself a favor and try out Penthouse Billiards sometime. You won't regret it...that is, IF you make it out alive.

In Florida, There's Fast Food Far as the Eye Can See!

2007-07-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, or maybe the day before, I got into a long, drawn out explanation about this town I had lived in while abiding on the Gulf Coast of Florida. I'm pretty sure the conversation started on Lincoln Blvd. in Venice, where in a two mile stretch, you can find not one, not two, but three McDonalds.

As atrocious as this might sound, it's nothing compared to the fact that I've lived in a town with no less than FIVE MCDONALDS! Yes, yes, this town was a fast food fiesta. Much like many outposts of people running amuck through the South, Marianna, Florida was a haven for all things flash-frozen and fried, from one side of the city limits to the other (city limits which include a meager population of 6,200, though surely all of the fast food means that each person can equate to one-and-a-half people, bringing the total up to 9,700).

Looking back on it, aside from the complete lack of quality Mexican food, the place was a stoner's wet dream. Five McDonalds seems like enough for one small settlement, but Marianna wasn't content with that. Throw in a Dominos, Baskin Robbins, Jin Jin #16 (authentic Chinese fast food, pre-Panda), Little Caesars, Krystal, Long John Silver, Dairy Queen, Pizza Hut, Wendy's, KFC, Subway, Blimpies, Hardees (pre-Carls Jr. buy-out), Taco Bell, Arby's, Burger King, Rally's, Checkers, Captain D's (which I miss, BIG TIME) and Sonic, along with several Waffle Houses, a Sonny's Real Pit BBQ (delicious), a slew of fried-food-based buffets and a truck stop. It was truly a nirvana for the lackadaisical lay-about with too little to do and too many choices to choose from (also, like any small town so many fat mouths to feed, there were likely between 50-100 convenience stores scattered throughout the wooded and swampy Southern civilization).

Keep in mind, this is a list from 1997, when I turned tail and headed back to Central California. I'm sure the list has had an addenda galore time and time again, but surely, if it's still the South I know and love, the list has quadupled in size (though it wouldn't surprise me if they still were without an AMPM or a 7-Eleven).

The list of established death sellers listed above might look tempting, delicious and possibly even mouth watering. However, any that come off sounding exotic (ala Krystal, "the po' man's White Castle"), hot and delicious (ala Checkers, "the poor man's Rally's") or even semi-tempting (Blimpies, "the grime on the floor of the school bus") are really not worth the suffering of digestion. Mind you, they're not all bad (or weren't all bad, according to my photographic memory). Honestly, getting a piece of fried chicken from a hamburger place isn't half bad as you'd expact. As a matter of fact, I would put Hardees' chicken of the mid-90s on par with anything KFC has ever produced (including the disappointing, soon to be ill-fated Big Box Meal, which is not nearly as Big as it is a Box that's unfortunately half empty).

I'll likely do an entire post on Hardees at a later date and probably extinct menu items as well. Fast food, for one reason or another, intrigues more than any mystery of the world could ever hope to. That is, fast food of the 20th century. Since we passed the millenium milestone, it seems as though food has turned back into food, something a person just crams in their mouth in the largest capacity possible. In the past, companies would celebrate a new item of food like they were welcoming a newborn into the world for the very first time. They would praise and scream and sing the glory of a sandwich or french fries or something of that assorted variety. Even the Arch Deluxe got a more personable campaign than does any Six Dollar or Third-Pounder!

What I'd like in this day and age is less stuff getting all over the place and more song and dance by Jason Alexander in my face! Doesn't anybody remember the McDLT for God's sake?! They packaged the cold stuff on one side and kept it separate from the hot! IN STYROFOAM! The glory days of fast food, my friends, before Taco Bell started serving us granulated schlop from the bottom of the bovine barrel.

Anyways, I guess the point I'm getting to with all this is that the world of fast food is insane, an urban jungle of flash, sizzle and little actual substance...kind of like the movie industry. But you know what? Like movies, I like all kinds of food, good and bad. Yesterday, I had a sirloin burger from Jack in the Crack, quite a sandwich to say the least. And you know what? I didn't like it. It's not that it wasn't an amazing burger, because it definitely is. But it's not what I want out of fast food. I'm not looking for a friggin' sprig of parsley on a plate. I'm looking for a flashy sign, a one-way ticket to obesity and a smile.

Fast food, you're the best!

PS - I forgot to mention that, at the time I lived there, the Waffle House only had two kinds of waffles. Pretty pathetic, for a house assumedly filled with waffles.

A Momentary Interlude of Reason

2007-07-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

Working on the Sabbath will take a toll on a man (or a woman), regardless of what their beliefs might be.

Finding myself writing text for some work-related thing I'd rather not talk about, I winced when I saw that the clock had passed 10:30. Being knee-deep in the muck of a pseudo-press release sucks once you realize that you've wasted so much of your most relaxing day of the week that you can't even get a McGriddle anymore. It's a damn travesty and I won't stand for it ANYMORE!!

No matter where on the spectrum between nothing and everything you lie, I think it's safe to assume that your Sunday is maintained as a day of rest (with the definition of rest being anything not work). Whether your day be about worship, couch slouching, surfing, lurping or just generally doing something that makes you feel like a better person, do it!

Cheers for Sundays! May you get your rest however you see fit!

The Weight of Responsibility Makes Me Feel More Like a Kid Than Bein' A Kid

2007-07-06T12:03:00.001-07:00

When I was in college, especially in my last year, my number one fear was that I would graduate and that I wouldn't have any responsibility (a normal fear for most, I'm sure). I was afraid that who I was wouldn't mean anything once I had a diploma in my hand and that, quite like the people on the streets with high school educations and less, I too would take my place amongst the vagrants of society. Luckily, that fear rode me like a freight train until I had both secured graduation, in addition to a "meaningful" job as editor of a state-wide magazine.

However, now that I'm here, a year out of college and year into my career (or grave, depending on how you look at it), I'm realizing that I feel much more like a kid than I ever did in college. On the road to graduation day, I always had the thought that, once I was through, people would stop treating me like a kid and, thusly, I would stop feeling like a kid. Unfortunately, that's not the case. At least when I was in college, I didn't have anyone acting like bitchy parents. I may have had a slew of professors and advisors, but they were more like half-assed step-parents, or even glorified baby sitters, just humoring my ideas until I left the room. Now that I have a job (much less, a job with so much pressure and so much seemingly riding on it), I feel like I'm living in my parents house and that I have to do what they want. Otherwise, they're going to ground me (i.e. fire me).

It sucks. At certain times, I feel more like a kid now than I did a year ago, even if I was 100 times less responsible, half as smart and not nearly as handsome and rugged. But I'll keep tugging away, my sole goal being retirement at 30. Why? Because having a boss sucks.

PS - But it's not nearly as sucky as having a boss who's also your dad. If you do, that's twice as much sway that your "old man" will have on you, as he knows more about life AND the workplace. Never a quicker way to hate your family!!!

PPS - For the record, I love my dad. I just hated working for him.

I Have Become a Michael Bay Fan and It's Not Just Because of Transformers

2007-07-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it's July 5 and I finally saw Transformers. Don't get me wrong, Knocked Up * was pretty much the best all-around movie of the summer, but TRANSFORMERS WAS FUCKING AWESOME! I really didn't know what to expect, due to all the flack that Michael Bay's taken in recent years (i.e. his entire life). But he really knocked one out of the park, though he's surely not the only person who deserves credit.

Shia LeBeouf - I can't wait to see what this kid brings to the table come next summer. I'd love to be giving some sort of "You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it"-type of speech, but I'm much more content about the fact that TRANSFORMERS WAS FUCKING AWESOME! I hadn't really cared much for young LeBeouf, at anytime before the clock struck 2007. But this year changed him, or at least how I looked at the guy. Disturbia, a stint hosting SNL, Surf's Up (I'm hopefully assuming). And now Transformers? --- It's a golden path to fortune and glory, Shia. Let's all hope you keep choosing...wisely.

All the Other Actors - The supporting cast did a pretty good job...not great though. I'm sure that a majority of the qualms I have with a select few moment of the movie really stem from the fact that there were so many characters floating around with just not enough screen time to matter. Tyrese was okay. Josh Duhamel was nothing special and could never really be believed as a captain. Anthony Anderson was funnier in Scary Movie 4 (say what you want, "Just tryin' to grab some nuts!" was hilarious). Megan Fox was hot, but drab. John Turturro seemed a tad out of place. And that whole crew with Rachel Taylor and the other computer hackers could have probably been cut out of the film to save more time for the rest of the cast. It would have taken the strongest script for an ensemble since Lord of the Rings to give any real meaning to any of them. But nevertheless, it honestly never took me out of the movie...until now. Whatever. It's always nice to spend a couple of minutes with Bernie Mac.

Benjamin Franklin Gatatron - Jon Voight's involvement in this movie (along with the subplot about the disgraced Witwicky family name) continually made me feel like Nicolas Cage was going to pop up, only to find another clue, which, honestly, would have only led to more and more clues (if you don't understand, start researching the Benjamin Franklin Gates family lineage). Not that Jon Voight was playing the same character as he did in National Treasure. Lord knows he's saving that type of energy for later on this year...

Special Effects - Pirates 3 and Transformers have finally convinced me. Special effects have hit a plateau where officially anything is possible. So, without further adieu, it's finally time for George Lucas to roll out the Star Wars prequels! The world is ready, George. Blow us away.

Cartoon Voice Actors of the 80s - As the Autobots stood around Sam and his lady, introducing themselves as if it were just any other ordinary altercation, I felt like a kid again. God bless Peter Cullen for pulling off Prime like he did in his...prime? Alas, Peter Welker wasn't utilized for Megatron (only in the video game, apparently), which would have been a lot more disappointing had Hugo Weaving not filled the role. There's just something about that generation of voice actors that blows today's "talented" schlubs out of the water. It's not like they were working with sticks and stones in the studio back around 1980, but everything was definitely less produced, a lot less mixed and it damn sure wasn't digital. It was classic because it was real. There is actually a person who sounds (or can sound) like Optimus Prime. There is a soul. It's not just some kid with a couple of hours and a Macbook. And it wasn't just the Transformers either. Every voice acted program of that era is generally better, cartoon or puppet. Skeletor, Snarf, Chamberlain (from Dark Crystal), Optimus Prime, I salute you!

Michael Bay - I'm going to be the first to go out on a limb here and say, "Michael Bay, The Island wasn't that bad. I mean, it wasn't The Rock, but you did the right thing by casting Ewan and Scar-Jo. Michael Bay, I didn't necessarily like Bad Boys or Bad Boys 2, but I know people who did, so that makes both films okay. Michael Bay, Pearl Harbor is kinda sappy crappy, but I'll be damned if the battle scene wasn't one of the best ever, especially that scene where you follow the bomb from heaven to hell. And Michael Bay, I've watched Armageddon like 20 times. Yeah! That's right, I said it. I've watched Armageddon a shitload of times. Not only that, but when it was being released, I worked at McDonalds and helped promote that hunk of space junk to a $200 million domestic box office . And you know what? It was my pleasure, sir. Thanks for Transformers."

Negative Reviewers - I feel bad that these people didn't have as much fun playing with their toys as me. I blame it on bad parenting and a rough up bringing.

If you haven't yet seen Transformers, I don't think I've ruined anything for you. Considering there have already been two sequels greenlit (I won't say which cast members are already on board), understand that you're in for one hell of a ride. I won't give you a disclaimer before going in. Keep in mind that it's Michael Bay, it's summer and that you're walking in to a $200 million dollar toybox**. Have fun.

* Judd Apatow is the man that I want to be when I grow up. Go see Knocked Up, if you haven't already.
** I don't know if it really cost that much, though I assume it's probably more, including distribution and marketing, hence the two studio approach Dreamworks and Paramount*** have taken.
***I took some issues of Hollywood Covered onto the Paramount lot on Tuesday to be used in a couple of scenes in a movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was pretty cool...walking onto the lot, that is. I'm sure the movie will be pure shit****.
****In case anyone from Paramount or working on that movie reads this, I'm not saying that the movie will be the worst. I'm just saying it sounds like an unmemorable Matthew McConaughey high school football flick. Then again, it's got Paul Rudd, do it's probably great. Bwa!!

What You Lose When You Work From Home

2007-07-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

I saw the bus driver turn a boy into a man today.

What a rambunctious slice of life this kid was, ready to rip the world a new one first chance he got! Decked in a slicked back, black mane, a mean-looking scum-stache and a pair of denim leggings so long and loud that they barely stayed buckled under his backside, this kid looked ready at any given second to spit fire in the face of any ese who asked for it . However, as feisty and at will to take over the world as he may have been, he was no match for the rigors of age and experience.

Foolishly, as the Blue Bus made famous by Morrison rolled to a stop, this Latino lad took the first opportunity to jump right through the folding doors, as if he were awaiting a blue ribbon from the bus driver in exchange for his 25-cent transfer pass. Perhaps what he hadn't noticed (or maybe he had) was the wheelchair denizen to his left, still sitting and waiting patiently as always to board. It was kind of sad, one of those moments that make you hate yourself for the way you once were.

Of course, the driver, being a tenured man whose salt-and-peppered expertise is being paid to get people where they need to go, temporarily refused the transfer pass and immediately ordered the youthful snide to take a seat at the front and remain there 'til everyone else, wheelchair included, had found a seat and settled in for the ride. As he prepped the wheelchair area and made ready the bus for the mass of passengers about to board, the driver drove ideas of courtesy, manners and self-respect, though not in a mocking, pompous or patronizing voice.

Mind you, if you're not a regular MTA customer or if you're not accustomed to how big city buses work, it takes a good few minutes just to get a wheelchair set and ready to roll (metaphorically speaking, a wheelchair roll on a bus would be disastrous), much less the rest of the passengers. It was a long lecture, one I was happy to have observed and, dare I say it, experienced. Needless to say, as this kid got off of the bus 20 minutes later at the Third Street Promenade, he had a sorrowing look of defeat and regret, not just in his eyes, but in his walk and his slouch too.

Sometimes the truth stings. Life, as we all always think we know, is about living, loving and learning lessons. The boy's lesson? It's never easy, turning from a boy to a man. Lucky for him, that lesson only cost a quarter.

Man's Best Friend: A Letter to My Dog, to the Tune of a Rabid Petting-Session in a Lisped, 1927 Muckraker Accent

2007-07-02T15:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Bud Bud,

Hey Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy Boy! Hey You! HEY YOU!!! Ya goo-goo? YA GOO-GOO?!!! Oh, yeah, he's a goooooood dog!

You little pisser pup! You little pisser pal super pup! Why ya always gotta piss on my stuff, bud bud?! BUD BUD !! NO MORE PISSIN'! You little pisser pup!

Bud Bud! Come 'ere, you little pal and let me pet you. Oh, yeah, Buddy, Buddy, Bud Bud!

I love ya pal!

Your friend,

Elijah

20 DVDs (I don't know why) I Own: Part 2

2007-07-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late arrival here, folks. I'm really set on making sure that there isn't more than a 24 hour interval between posts, but the surf was calling my name with her sweet, soothing voice. I had to galavant into the waves and walk on water for a little. Literally following in the footsteps of Christ...is there any better way to keep the Sabbath holy?

Of course, given the title of this cliched posting (my specialty), you didn't come to read the same basic article about surfing I've been writing for the last six years. No, you came to pretend to be interested in my third article. So, again, without further adieu, the final 10 DVDs (I don't know why) I Own awaits. EXCELSIOR!!!!

(picking up alphabetically from where the last article left off:

The Producers - My favorite movie from my childhood (age 3-18) was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, so it should come as no surprise that I loves me some Wilder (Gene, if you were thinking I was referencing Billy instead, who also deserves his due for The Apartment, if not his entire catalogue). So why is this flick on my unassured list? Because I'm not talking about the original, I'm talking about the new-fangled, unnecessary new one based off of the play, which was based off of the movie. Don't get me wrong, Matthew Broderick, Nathan Lane, Will Ferrell, Uma, they all do great in their respective roles. But when even Johnny Depp can't conquer an original Wilder role (Wonka), what makes Broderick think he's got a chance? Luckily, Lane almost does Zero Mostel justice. Honestly, I'm pretty sure this movie came from my older brother's collection (which he relinquished to me when he joined the Navy), so I'll refrain from criticizing it anymore in fear of being brutally beaten up the next time I pass him in the hallway (talk about nightmares).

Running Scared - Ah, yes. Another "Aaron Bates Original." When it comes to personal taste in movies, there used to be a few people I could trust to pick out a movie that I would really, really like. When I was five-ish, it was mostly my mom (Dark Crystal, Swiss Family Robinson) and sometimes my dad (Big Trouble in Little China, Enter the Dragon). When I was 10-ish, it was my probably my brother (Empire Strikes Back, Hook). When I was 15-ish, it was probably my cousin Micah (Scary Movie, Saving Silverman). When I was 20, it was the Union, Rusty Savage and Sweet Lady Reef (Atomic Bomb Movie, Fubar). And now, as I approach that quarter of a century marker (25-years-old), the only person who I trust for a good movie is Jacob Horn (Seraphim Falls, Woodstock: The Movie). What's the point of all this? My brother made me take Running Scared from his collection. Worse yet, he got my cousin on board with the idea that it's a really good movie. But since they're both bigger than me and stronger than me now, I'll again refrain from criticizing it anymore in fear of being beat up...THIS MOVIE BLOWS!!! BLACKOUT! YOU CAN'T HIT ME AFTER BLACKOUTS! OW! OWWWWWWW!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Science of Sleep - I think I just felt bad about not buying this movie because of Eternal Sunshine. That's really the only reasoning I can think of for buying it without having seen it. I still haven't watched it to this day, which is a little sad considering how much Seinfeld, Star Trek: TNG and pro wrestling I manage to fit into my schedule. But you know what? It's the little things, like gay obsession with childhood nostalgia, that make life worth living, NOT The Science of Sleep.

Smokin' Aces - Man, this movie looked really freakin' cool. Too bad it sucks BIG TIME! There are cool-looking scenes here and there, but all of them fall short and lack the punch to make Smokin' Aces better than "okay." If you disagree with me, then lemme levee this onto your chest: the sequel is straight-to-video (not that being straight-to-video is a totally bad thing, but even Deuce Bigalow got a theatrical sequel). Aside from all the film doesn't have going for it, at least Alicia Keys looks pretty hot.

Soul Man - Pat, I think I've had this for a year, a victim of my move-out from that little homeless stint where I made the Union office my bed. You can have this back any day of the week, twice on Sunday. But if it makes you feel any better, I'll kind of miss it.

Spider-Man 2.1 - I'm sure I'll hear flack for this from some of my friends (or maybe not), but after giving this movie another view, I can safely say what we've either all been thinking or secretly known all along (though refused to admit): The Spider-Man movies suck. Big time. They are all really, really shitty movies and anybody doubting that is A) Lying to themselves, B) Such a big Sam Raimi fan that they won't let themselves believe that Sam is quite capable of making really shitty movies, or C) In denial because it's painfully obvious that the acting is quite shitty, the writing is really, really shitty, the special effects looks almost immediately dated and, thus shitty, etc. They are just some of the most awkward, shitty movies that have somehow managed to become just massive, regardless of the fact that they contain some of the most ugly and cringe-inducing scenes so far in the 21st century. Back in the beginning of 2003, I sold Spider-Man 1 back for less than half of what I paid at some thieving DVD-Buy-Back place (a quarter of what I paid would be more appropriate). I had no problem doing this after I watched it a few times because I realized how much it sucked and how hard people (even smart people) were buying into the hype. Spider-Man 2.1 (and Spider-Man 3 too) made me realize the same thing. THE SPIDER-MAN FILMS ARE AS BAD AS THE STAR WARS PREQUELS! If you think I'm wrong, put almost any scene of Padme/Anakin on a split-screen with Parker/Mary Jane and see which produces the bigger cringe. At least we all accept that Hayden Christensen sucks. The second we all consider the same regarding Tobey Maguire will be the day that the healing can begin and the denial can end. We all wanted Star Wars and Spider-Man to be the biggest, best and most important movies of our lives. Instead, they just forced us to give up and grow up. Spider-Man 2, even if it's the best one, is no different. Sucksville, USA.

That's My Bush - Another case of brilliant people creating non-brilliant materials. Not that there's anything wrong with That's My Bush. Had I been an older, more enlightened to the truth-type of person back when it was originally on the air, this program would have had my Nielsen points every time it was on. Of course, that was before I dropped most of my conservative ideals, before I had balls, before I lost my virginity, before I was arrested, before I had been off of the continent, before I had gotten alcohol poisoning, before I had my tonsils taken out, before I ever fell in love, before I ever had a thousand dollars to my name and so on and so forth. Seeing as how my life has gone through a plethora of major shifts, changes and stuff since this show came out, I would love to pick it up and give it a good watch again. Unfortunately, I tried and it doesn't work. For you see, our president has become an even bigger joke since this show was first devised and thus, his former joke just isn't that funny anymore. That's My Bush is like watching an SNL "Weekend Update" when you really want to watch The Daily Show. Sure it's kind of funny, but it's not funny all the way through anymore and never as funny as you'd really like it to be.

Total Recall - I mentioned this movie in my last post. Some bastard stole the disc out of the DVD box when I was in college, but I've just never really gotten around to throwing it away, putting it someplace out of sight, packing it up in the closet...it makes me sad, so I've never gotten around to taking care of it, much left removed it from the glory of my awesome DVD collection. Call me Miss Havisham if you want, but the clock stopped the day Total Recall was taken.

Vertical Limit - Depressing. If I were a movie reviewer and I were only allowed one word to describe Vertical Limit, that would be it. I don't care if Bill Paxton is in this movie, I feel so bad about life every time that I think about Vertical Limit. This is another "Lauren Special," so don't judge me if you hate this movie. And if you love it, what's wrong with you? Are you sick? Sadistic? Well, this is me at my most masochistic: Vertical Limit is no good for anyone. Stick with the Day After Tomorrow, if you want a fun-filled, realistic, well-acted, important impactful snow adventure filled with bad actors.

Wild Things - Man, this movie meant a lot more for me before Denise Richards had a kid, went completely crazy and married a Sheen/Estevez. It also meant a lot more before Neve Campbell fell off the face of the earth AND before theInternet and, more importantly, college exposed me to so much wonderful nudity. I still can't believe that the camera got within one degree of separation with Kevin Bacon's bacon. Fun fact: Denise Richards starred in a movie call Wild Things before marrying Charlie Sheen who played The Wild Thing in the Major League movies. Cute!

So that's it, the 20 DVDs (I don't know why) I own. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you tomor-mor.

20 DVDs (I don't know why) I Own: Part 1

2007-06-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

Since the day I started working at Saturday Night Magazine (SNMag, for all you hip twenty-somethings "in the know"), my DVD collection grew to an unnecessarily large size. Many of you have heard of my "Borders Technique" and understand why this collection is so big. If not, perhaps I'll dispel the secrets of my "they said something on the phone about store credit as long as it was in stock" ways in a later post...maybe not. But either way, this technique, alongside a few other pathways, has accrued a lot of crap for my pristine DVD display shelf, likely bringing the value of my sentimental and mainstream treasure down a few notches than I'd prefer.

Enough gas. Without further adieu, here is Part 1 of my list, 20 DVDS (I don't know why) I Own....in alphabetical order, of course.

3.14: The Movie (also known as π) - Like many who were for some odd reason considering the purchase of Requiem For a Dream, I too was enticed into buying by the double DVD package. It was a fantastic marketing ploy, as it convinced me immediately. 3.14 years after the fact, I still haven't watched 3.14, a little unnerving considering that alphabetically, 3.14 kicks off the collection. Luckily, 40 Year Old Virgin follows it up and picks up the last from this underwhelming (or so I assume) start.

Black Hawk Down - Again, this was another freebie, one that took months to come in the mail after I used one of those "Buy 3 (insert studio here) DVDs, get one free" that used to come with every DVD (again, so I assume, as the "Borders Technique" has spoiled my attention span from even caring to look). For some reason, I still have yet to watch Black Hawk. Maybe it's because it was free. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of seeing another We Were Soldiers. Then again, I hear Orlando Bloom has a fantastic death scene in it. Am I'm mising out on something special? Either way, I can't tell you how many times I've passed this one up when I go to pick out a movie (hundreds, maybe millions of times) .

Booty Call - This is a "Lauren Special," aka one of the DVDs that I automatically usurped into my collection when we moved in together. I'd be more ashamed if it was How to Be a Player, but Booty Call has its moments. Still, I can think of other movies played on Comedy Central constantly that I'd rather own. PCU, So I Married An Axe Murderer, Stripes, Ghostbusters 2, etc.

The Chairman - Damn it, I tried three separate times to take this to Amoeba and get some scrilla with no success. That's what happens when a shitty DVD comes off of it's spindel-thingy, while still inside the package. It's on my shelf now and I'm left a defeated man. I finally opened it up to see if I could perhaps still return this or sell it as a used DVD somewhere ("An extra $2?! Thanks so much for your generosity, Amoeba!!!). Unfortunately, I had tried to somehow press the center of the DVD package (while it was still wrapped) in an attempt to put it back on the spindel SO MANY TIMES that I scratched the actual bottom of the disc to the extent that I can't take it back ANYWHERE! I can't even watch it either. I'd toss it out, but I just feel so bad about tossing out a DVD (like it's some sort of life form with a home and feelings) that I can't bring myself to do it, just like my empty boxes that once held Total Recall, Batman and Riding Giants.

Clerks 2 - I hate Kevin Smith films. Some of you know this. If you didn't, you do now. Like an idiot, I was sucked in by this movie's so-called potential ("Return to the ViewAskewniverse!"). I liked Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but pretty much hated all of Kevin's other films, so I suppose I was just hoping for something I was never going to get. The jokes were horribly dated, cliched, boring, gross, unoriginal...this list can go on and on. I understand that there's a coming-of-age story that was supposed to be a highlight, but that part of the story really, really sucked. It felt ridiculously secluded to Kevin Smith's regionally-minded sense of being rather than anything anyone actually wanted to see. And don't think I didn't give it a chance either. I tried putting this piece of shit into my DVD player so many times. I just hate it. Hate. Hate. Hate it.

The Expanding Universe - Have you ever seen that show Cosmos? It's awesome, amazing and blows your brains to a million tiny pieces. It had Karl Sagan and that man was a genius. And you know what? Expanding Universe is no Cosmos. Do you like Planet Earth? Imagine having to go back to the animal documentaries of yesteryear, with limited view of life, filmed with the finest old school, low definition cameras available at the time. My friends, Expanding Universe is the definition yesteryear. Plus, it's boring as shit.

The Fast and the Furious - Ah, yes. The original DVD in my collection, at least when it comes to crap I don't know why I own. I've seen this movie once and it's okay, nothing too bad and some decent action scenes. But it's The Fast and the Furious! COME ON!! What would you do if this were an unnecessary DVD in your collection? I've never told someone about this without hearing anything less than a laugh.

Jimmy Eat World EP DVD - "Are you listening? OHHHHHHH-WOAH-WOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I believe that I picked this disc up about 6 years ago from the Union Weekly music drawer. I dont think I've ever watched it, but I did write a review for it. I couldn't tell you what was on the cover that issue, perhaps Dave Jarred and I dressed as manly Lacrosse Babes. Whatev, maybe I'll pop it in one day. I kind of miss Jimmy Eat World.

Like Mike 2 - Strangely, I actually tried to send this DVD to my friend Miles a year ago for writing the "Fall Movie Preview" in my first issue of SNMag, along with a slew of other stuff. Strangely, I think one thing made it to Miles, other pieces of the package were lost/stolen and, yet, others still ended up back at my office. The weird part? THEY WERE BOTH PACKAGED!!! Weird. So weird, in fact, that I've never bothered popping this movie into my DVD player.

Little Bigfoot 2 - I'll be honest here. I was high as a kite the first time I saw this movie, courtesy of Cannonball and the GB. All I knew at the time was that it was the worst script ever, starring DJ from Roseanne, the younger brother of Zy Ty Bri and Jay Tay from Home Improvement and Flounder from Animal House, along with Tom Bosley of Happy Days and David the Gnome fame. And you know what? I stand by my decision to search for and buy this film. "Ooooooh, it stinks in here, like your motha on that all you can eat corn beef and cabbage night!" "OOOOoooooh! There's cheddar all over me! SECRET SAUCE!" Actually, I remember why I own this movie now.

CHECK BACK SOON FOR PART 2!!!!!!!

Get ready for the most underwhelming blog experience of your life!

2007-06-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

"The price of excellence is discipline. The cost of mediocrity is disappointment." - William Arthur Ward

It's a good thing mediocrity doesn't cost much. As a matter of fact, I don't even have to deal with it now, since I'll probably never go back and read any of my own submissions. After all, what's the point in disciplining oneself to create a blog? Even if it gets big, THE MAN is just gonna bring you down (ala Perez Hilton, although that bag of gas deserved what (s)he got).

I hope to talk of all sorts of stuff, as bloggers often do. Also, I hope to follow in the form of mi compadre Mike who posts at least two things a day.

I'll post something else hopefully tonight. For now, I've got a problem at home to deal with concerning life, love and Souplantation.